Forgiveness has been one of the most challenging tasks I have ever had to do. Not because of the task itself but because of the layers I had to dig through to discover that I wasn’t willing to embrace the whole aspect of what happened. I felt that forgiving certain people in my life would be letting them off easy; instead, I wanted them to feel the pain they caused me.
Certain people, in this instance, mean my mom. We have never had a picture-book relationship, even though I consider myself to be living a fairy tale. I blamed her for a long time, and this was something I had been peeling the layers back to for a long time. Please believe me when I say this wasn’t an overnight revelation. These included many nights of tears, healing, resting, growing, and up-leveling before getting to this point.
I received a message from my guides telling me that they were urging me to forgive someone. A few minutes prior, I looked at the clock at the time of my mom’s birthday. I knew this was the someone I needed to work on forgiving immediately.
Gathering The Pain
I closed my eyes, halfway thinking I would be peeling back another layer instead of getting an overwhelming sense of clarity and relief. I started by grounding myself, then calling out to those holding on to the pain. Three figures appeared before me, “let’s have a campfire,” I said.
The area turned dark, and we each sat on four separate logs. “Tell me,” I started, “what is bothering you.” The littlest one went first, “I never felt loved,” she began, “I just wanted to have fun.” The adolescent spoke up next, “I am angry!” she howled, “she didn’t do anything right!”
“I understand,” I validated their feelings.
“I never felt connected,” the third figure lied. I nodded, pulled out a guitar, and began singing to each of the beings. I connected with each being, and I understood each one. I prepared them to heal and let go of the things they were holding on to. “Please put your hands and feet in the earth,” I directed the group.
The Inner-Child
I know as a child, it hurts when you don’t feel love or affection from a parent, it isn’t something you deserve to feel. But, there is so much in this world you have to offer. And your childhood holds the key to your pure innocence. The pain you went through is something you may feel like you want to hold on to because everyone deserves love.
But believe those who are there for you now, love you, and support you. These beings who love you will not hurt you; they will do everything they can to uplift you. And I know sometimes it is tough to open yourself up to love again, and you don’t have to. However, if you want to continue feeling the same way you do now and have always felt, then hold on to that pain, please. But if you want something else, it is time to let go.
Green energy channels flowed like roots from her hands and feet, directly toward the fire. The flames swirled upward in an ember-filled glow. When I looked back, the child had vanished. She was no longer holding on to her past traumas and was no longer needed in this cleansing circle.
The Adolescent
The adolescent came next. She looked the most reserved but was unafraid to speak her mind. She felt disappointed, but she held her mother to standards her mother didn’t know how to live up to. The other person never expressed these expectations. Unexpressed expectations cause more pain than the act itself.
My teenage self was enraged, emotional, hurt, confused; you name it. But my inner teen learned many valuable lessons from her experiences with the woman who birthed her, no matter their distance. She learned how to speak up for herself, especially when everyone else was pushing against her. The teenager learned not to allow anyone to hurt her, belittle her, or walk over her without a fight.
She learned how to stand up for herself. She learned how to take center stage. And more importantly, she learned how to express herself through emotions and words. Even if it didn’t make sense to the other person, she never wavered or demeaned her intelligence to meet someone else’s level.
Her mother was never perfect. This was something we were able to accept together in the sacred circle. But her imperfect actions taught us to embody the strong, capable woman we are today. Honestly, it couldn’t have happened any other way. It’s okay that her mom was never perfect because I never was.
“It’s okay to be emotional,” I assured her, “this is a gift that means your body can clearly understand what is going on mentally. It is a beautiful way to release.” That’s when she released the pain. She allowed tears to fall from her eyes. Pouring like raindrops to the ground above where her hands were covered with soil. Energy channels appeared running into the fire with another ember-y, spiraled crackling of the flames; she was gone.
The Young Adult
I looked to the third figure in silence. This being’s face and body were not as clear as the first two beings, but still, she remained a huge part of my life. “I am not connected,” she started.
“Yes, you are,” I replied. “You’ve always been connected. This is why you care so much. You wouldn’t be holding on to this pain if you were not connected.” She stood in silence. “You didn’t want to be connected. In fact, you tried to numb yourself from the emotions, feelings, and life, in general, to get away from everyone and protect yourself from potentially being hurt again. But yes, you’re connected.”
It was true. I loved to live with passion, but I didn’t know how to handle the pain I had gone through, so I turned to drugs and alcohol to get by. When I started to feel any sensations, I didn’t know how to handle them. So instead of finding a healthy way to cope as I do now, I chose to smoke, drink, pop, or snort it out. Any temporary euphoria was better than dealing with my reality, the reality I hated waking up to every day.
Understanding the Actions of Pain
I retreated. I knew I needed to write and help lead, but I lacked the confidence in my abilities to do it. I just sat there day in and day out, dreaming a new day would appear in front of me. This is why I detached myself from my life. It took me many years to learn how to listen to my guides again. I had to relearn how to act in alignment. I had to relearn how to speak up for myself and others in a way that came naturally to me as a teen.
But this connection wasn’t about shaming this aspect of myself, showed up because I was holding on to something I needed to heal related to the relationship I had with my mom. She felt unsupported. She felt alone like she had no one. Even those who said they loved her were always speaking over her. In the act of numbing herself, she became numb to her healing.
She didn’t see how even communicating with people was more than others had. So in the battle to detach herself from reality, she detached herself. Perhaps this was the goal at the time. We spoke about our relationships. We talked about worthiness. And in the end, she decided she didn’t want to be detached any longer.
Coming to Peace
After all, many beings in the physical and spiritual realms would always be there to love and support her in all her days. No matter if she was facing a struggle, a battle, a party, or a soiree. She didn’t have to go through life alone any longer.
There may be days when I tell my mom that I love her, and I may not get an I love you back, but it won’t change the fact that I do love her. I was ashamed of being connected to someone who didn’t love me, but I know there is no shame in love. Love was the only way to forgive her for unintentionally causing pain.
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
Lewis B. Smedes
At Your Service
If you’re feeling stuck in a certain part of your spiritual growth and development journey, or if you need a little help moving forward, feel free to send me a note. I’d be honored to write about whatever it is you want to discuss, and I’ll do my best to bring a fresh perspective to whatever your questions or concerns may be. This is another way I can help you on your journey, and I look forward to serving you.
